Tuesday, October 06, 2015

ODP Days: Fifty Shades of Gray...

I've got to locate my actual camera.  All my phone photos so far have looked like this:

And then when I tell my seven-year-old child to take the picture without moving, she takes about three minutes to finally click, and I look like this:

Today I wore The Dress with a pink and red infinity scarf and a dark red belt. I wore black leggings and black shoes. My hair was in a bun.

Yesterday, I wore The Dress with a gray blazer and brown suede furry boots, with  my hair down and a black rosy headband.

I'm starting to feel the gray getting to me. It's getting a little depressing. I need some color. I need to raid my closet for something super bright to wear with The Dress tomorrow. I did order the cutest greenest shoes ever, but when they arrived they were too small. Sad days. I hope I can return them. I think they may have come from China. (Thanks, Amazon.)

Today the skies were blue, but me and The Dress were feeling awfully gray.

Sunday, October 04, 2015

Challenge Accepted! September Books

September. Five books read. Since talking to people about the book challenge, I've started to feel rather inferior; I've heard several people claim to read hundreds of books a year, according to their Kindles. Maybe they are telling the truth. But I'm doing well as it is to get through fifty-two in a year, if I can manage it. Five books in September, I think, is doing just fine.

The Diary of a Teenage Girl by Phoebe Gloeckner (A book based on a true story)

You know me and my love of NPR-recommended books.

Well, I listened to the author being interviewed on "Fresh Air". The book is a semi-autobiographical diary of a fifteen year old girl who has a sexual affair with her mother's boyfriend.  Gloeckner found her old diaries from that time in her life and rewrote them to become this novel.  She talked frankly about her experiences in the interview, as a fifteen-year-old girl who thought she was all grown-up (as do all fifteen-year-olds). Her story is incredible and heart-breaking, but the part of the interview that blew me away was when she said this:
Gloeckner: I went to a therapist, I guess I was sent there when I was 15. I think the school wanted me to go, maybe my mother wanted me to go, because I had been kicked out of several schools already and it wasn't clear why. I told the therapist [about the sexual experience] and she was totally freaked out, she was actually a therapist who dealt with childhood trauma ... so I thought she was going to help me, but she just said, "I've met with your mother, I cannot talk to you anymore. I'm going to have to find someone else for you to go to." She didn't report back to my mother, she didn't tell my mother what was going on, she just kind of flipped out. I remember feeling like, "This is too much for adults, they're not going to want to hear it." I was kind of silenced just by the therapist telling me she couldn't deal with it and not really explaining why.

Imagine a young girl, a child really, admitting that she was in a sexual relationship with a grown man and a therapist responding like that! I pretty much ordered the book immediately after hearing the interview. (This has been made into a movie too, which I want to see.)

The book is half graphic novel, half diary.  She sketches everything in her diary from pictures of her bedroom and her backpack contents to explicit drawings of her and her mom's boyfriend naked. (The book now is in the very top shelf of my closet where my kids can't find it!) At times, she goes pages and pages into true graphic novel mode where the plot continues in comic book blocks. The style is very unique.

However, I found the book really disturbing. And it's not really meant to be.  The author writes it from the character Minnie's point of view, which is very haunting for how authentic it is. She also says this after the Foreword:

I was not a hypersexual teenager, not like Minnie is, so I found it hard to relate to personally. But it gave me an insight into the minds and bodies of girls who were.  (Why are boys allowed to be hypersexual teenagers but girls are not?) Anyway, it was disturbing to me how her mother's boyfriend came onto her so shamelessly and how oblivious she was to the wrongness of the situation. And yet even using the word "wrong" feels wrong, as it is written so totally in her perspective that she didn't see it as wrong. Sure she knew it was naughty, and eventually she begins to see it as a little perverted, but overall she believed they were in love and therefore it was all right.

It was hard for me to read this, but I think very important too. I one day will have teenage girls. Will they feel like this inside? Minnie had a poor relationship with her mother and had no adults to talk to about what she was going through. I never want my son or daughters to have no adult to talk to. Maybe they won't come to me (I am their mother), but please let there be someone neutral they can know and trust! (This is part of why I wish we lived in Seattle, where our best friends could be our kids' "other parents" and we could be their children's.)

Anyway, back to the book. It was good, but it had that Lolita quality to it that made you feel a little icky inside for understanding something you morally shouldn't understand. You at once are shocked at Minnie's behavior as well as devastated for her. She is a child being sexually abused by an adult, but she doesn't see it that way. It's so... mm. Just hard to read. And I'm a major prude when it comes to sex, so there's that.

Dying Light by Donald Hays (A book of short stories)

Donald "Skip" Hays was one of my writing professors at the University of Arkansas. He was also my Honors Thesis professor, who helped me write my first book of poems.

I bought this book a few years after graduating. It's been years since I've read it, but so many of the stories have stuck with me over the years. They are so poignant, so raw, so authentic. As I read them again, I was struck once again by the brutal honesty of the stories. Life is messy. Love is not pure. We age ungracefully.

The book seems to be out of print, but there are plenty of used copies available on Amazon. Looking for a book of short stories? I highly recommend this one.

Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck (A book you were supposed to read in school but didn't)

This was a hard category for me to check off - I was a bookworm in high school and an English major in college! I read all the books! But while perusing the Classics section of Barnes & Noble a few weeks ago, I realized this little gem is one I never did read. It was never assigned to me, but it was definitely a book I should've read in school but didn't.

Many of you will know the story, but briefly, it's about an unlikely pair of day laborers who have a dream of one day owning their own plot of land to live off of.  George is a small, fairly clever man, and Lennie is a large, "simple-minded" fellow. (What is the most PC term for what Lennie was?)

I knew it was a sad story from, you know, not living in a cave, but I've managed to get through life not knowing anything about the book. And when I got towards the end, I spent the last several pages with my hand over my mouth (literally). As I closed the book, I just sat there... Dear God. I didn't know it would end like that.

An Ideal Husband by Oscar Wilde (A book more than 100 years old)

Well, after reading that, I needed something a little more lighthearted. Oscar Wilde it is! My favorite play is The Importance of Being Earnest, but I've never read any of Wilde's other plays. Until now.

An Ideal Husband is as funny as The Importance..., and just about as complicated a denouement, though not quite. I love Wilde's sense of humor. I love how ridiculous he makes his characters and the ridiculous things they say - because everything they say is so true! If we all said things as they really,truly are, we'd all be speaking as if we were in an Oscar Wilde play.

Salomé by Oscar Wilde (A book that was originally written in a different language)

I'll tell you the truth. With only three months left of the year and still a handful of categories to check off, I'm starting to choose books for their length. Salomé is a one act play, and since Wilde translated it from French, it checks another box. Thank you, sir.

It's a tragedy play. It's okay. I wasn't deeply moved or anything by it, but perhaps it would be better performed than simply read. It's the story of King Herod and John the Baptist, shared from the perspective of the King's court. The daughter of the queen, Salomé, becomes obsessed with Jokanaan (John the Baptist - the Hebrew name was used), but when he rebuffs her advances, she becomes vengeful. When Herod asks her to dance for him, promising her whatever she ask for as payment (up to half of his kingdom), she agrees to dance... then asks a terrible price. (In case you don't know the story - not all of you were raised in church! - I won't tell you what she requests.)

It's typical tragedy/ morality-play stuff. It's okay. It was short. That was the main thing. Leaving me time for more hefty books in the next three months. Twelve books to go!

To see what else I have read this year:

One Dress for Weekdays and One for Sunday

Avery, the creator of the October Dress Project, was inspired by her grandpa who once said "that in his day girls wore 'one dress for weekdays and one dress for Sunday'".  This year, my dress is made of 100% cotton, and I'm afraid to dry it in the dryer, lest it shrink. So I washed it last night and hung it up this morning, thinking it would be dry by the time I left to go anywhere.

But by lunch time, it was still wet, and I had promised the kids and their friend who had spent the night that we'd go out to eat.  I remembered Avery's grandfather's original comment - one dress for weekdays and one for Sunday - and decided this year I'd allow myself that option too. So I've got my gray dress for weekdays, and my tan dress for Sundays.

Yesterday was a laid back, bum around Saturday, full of errands and chores, so I simply wore The Dress tied up on the side over a pair of black workout capris and black flats. It was actually a little chilly by the evening, so I added a black cardigan for our campfire and cookout we had in the backyard with Fifi and Lolly's friend E-. 

Today I wore The Sunday Dress with brown leggings, brown flats and a gray blazer.  

I like having a Sunday Dress.  

Friday, October 02, 2015

The Importance of Being Human

It's been almost three months since I've been to the gym. After going religiously for a year and a half, I've really missed it.

Well, today after work, I tried out a new Zumba class at the gym down the road.  While it lacked the rowdy energy and ambiance of the Zumba classes at my old venue, it was still good.  Good enough, anyway. Good enough to consider just joining that gym, because it's close and cheap and open 24 hours and I need to find a place soon.  Tomorrow I might try out the Yoga class.

One of the things I miss most about working out is the feeling of control over my life. I used to feel guilty for needing control, but now I've come to accept that it's just my personality type. I'm a control freak. I need to have control over things. Is that such a bad thing? Yes, it can take over my life in a bad way, but in other ways, it keeps me calm, it keeps me going forward. Getting regular exercise feels good and keeps me level and grants me control over various aspects of my health, such as what I eat. I feel I make better choices over all when I've kept up my exercise routine. It clears my head.  It wakes me up. I love the way it feels, the burn, the sweat, the energy, the endorphin.

I don't think it's a bad thing to need a sense of control, as long as there is a little perspective. My problem is, I don't have much of that.

The problem I have with control is the feeling of disarray and confusion I feel when I don't have it. When things don't go as planned, when routines get interrupted, when I make a mistake, I tend to lose it. I'm not only a control freak, I'm a perfectionist.

And that's what I think I'm going to work on this October and this next year.  Imperfection.  Or rather, allowing a little imperfection. There's probably a better word for it, like Acceptance. Letting It Go. While I've stopped feeling guilty over needing control in my life, I also recognize I must find some Balance.  I seriously need to learn to relax a little and accept that things cannot always be perfect. I must find the things that grant me control - like exercise - but also let go of some things that are simply too much for me right now. I hate that my house is harder to keep clean now that I'm at work eight hours a day. I hate that I'm not the mum who can go on field trips and help at class parties anymore. I hate that dinner isn't on the table at 6:00 sharp every night now.  But I've got to learn to accept these things, I simply have to. I'm only one person; I'm only human. I try to be superlori, but I can't always achieve that. No one can. Perhaps it's the year for learning to Let It Go, for creating Balance, for finding Acceptance. What's that serenity prayer? "God grant me the serenity to change the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." Seems about right.

Balance. I like that. We'll see what all comes out of October, but I'm thinking that will be the main theme of the upcoming year. Balance. It seems to fit. It's something I need to work on.

Oh, and speaking of October...

Cue segue:

ODP Day 2!

Talk about something that makes me feel in control! I love ODP. I love the challenge. Today was Casual Friday at work, so I couldn't pass up the chance to wear The Dress with jeans. I tucked The Dress in to a pair of straight leg jeans and folded up the sleeves to vary the length. I added one of my favorite infinity scarves and brown flats. I wore my hair down and natural (it's getting so long!) with a pearly headband. Which I'll admit, gave me a bit of a headache all day but was worth it for the cute factor.

One thing about this dress - I freaking love that it has pockets, but pockets make it difficult to tuck in and wear as a shirt. Still. Pockets are WORTH IT.

Another thing - since we moved, I can't find my camera. I'm sure it's somewhere in a box or something, but until I find it, I must rely on my phone for photography and my husband or children for photographers. Or I can just take camera selfies, like every other human being in the developed world. Selfie stick this year instead of a tripod?

(Just look at this. My hair is getting so long!)

Thursday, October 01, 2015

Let the October Dress Project Commence!

I'm doing it. By golly, I'm going for it. Fourth year in a row. Yes!

Traditionally (four years is long enough for a tradition, right?) I wear the dress as-is on the first day, as a sort of "Meet The Dress".  Today, I wore The Dress with my new beige patent wedges and with strings of pearls (all fake, obvs) - pearl earrings, pearl necklace, pearl bracelet, pearl anklet and EVEN pearl badge holder. For some reason, I felt the simple outfit looked better with my glasses too.

You know, there is just something about October. I realized today that for the past several years, it's been the month that sets the whole following year in motion. It's kind of like the start of my own personal fiscal year. Each October (thanks to ODP), I end up making my equivalent of a New Year's Resolution; let's call it my New October Resolution.  During October and ODP, I usually end up discovering what my "theme" for the upcoming year will be.

The first year it was Simplicity, learning to simplify my life and my belongings.  The second year it was Satisfaction, where AFTER simplifying my life, selling everything we owned, and moving to America, I had to learn to be satisfied with what we had.  Last year, I decided to embark on a year of Adventure.  At the time, Scott and I wanted this to include moving to Seattle (and we really thought we would, but the universe had other plans).  Though that did not happen, we still had a wonderful time with the adventure theme, going on small vacations and outings and moving to a new house closer to town.  He had his "year of change" where adventures included everything from getting his first tattoo to learning to eat cheese. For me, it meant taking life by the reins and making something of it rather than waiting for life to take charge of me. I published my book, and I got a new job. We had a lot of big and small adventures during the last McFarlane Fiscal Year, but now it's October, and it's time to learn something new.

I have an inkling of what that will be, but I'll let October decide for sure.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Just A Couple of Kids

They were just kids really. Barely able to vote, barely able to drink. Nineteen and twenty-one, chasing each other around the car park laughing, her on his knee flirting, both of them so charming, so fresh, so young. His teenage long hair straight and silky enough to entice her to reach out and touch it before thinking. Sitting close enough in a car that their barely brushing knees could ignite a wild flame of excitement and desire.  The shy pinkie fingers in the movies, so close, so close, the intensity of non-touch. The hands that finally clasped at the top of the nature trail at Cornalees. Sprawled out on a blanket outside, lying head to head, staring up at the clouds on a rare bluesky day, both silently thinking, "This is different. This time it's different."

They had so little knowledge of the grown-up world, yet there was a wisdom there, a seriousness beyond their years. When his first careful, thought-out "I love you" was followed with "I love you properly... I want to spend the rest of my life with you", he had considered those words long and hard before uttering them.  When they acknowledged that marriage involved more than fiery feelings and longing and more than even love itself, but compatible directions, goals, plans, and values, there was something a little less childlike in the works. But they were still children.

And when love and marriage involved huge life changes and personal development that took them from the young people they had been into the grown-ups they were about to become, they fought for each other anyway. They recognized that the person they married had grown into someone else, but they decided to accept each other no matter what strange new people they became.  They grew different but not apart. They grew independent but together.

They waded a lot of muddy waters and plowed a lot of snow. They stretched on warm, sunny beaches and strolled on cool, cloudy days.

Today, they snuggle close as they gaze into the horizon, wondering what the future holds, but they are so in love, they are not afraid.

Today, they look back on twelve years together, eleven years married. They smile at each other. In a way, they are still really just two kids with so little knowledge of the grown-up world. But they are together, and that's all it takes to make them happy.

'Til death do us part..
... or the fights over the remote.
Tender moments...
...and kill each other moments.

Partners in crime...

...partners in life.

But no matter what...

...I'll always dance with you.

Happy anniversary. xx

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

To ODP or Not to ODP: That Is the Question

October is only two weeks away, and I can't decide if I should do the October Dress Project again.

I've done ODP for the past three years, but this year I actually work an office job. Can I pull it off, still being so new? Can I find enough ways to dress up the same dress that is all office appropriate? What kind of dress would I go with that would be different from previous years, but still versatile enough to ODPize?

I'm thinking of something like this... I've done black twice, and I don't want to do black again; gray is still neutral but a little change from black. I've always wanted an ODP dress with pockets (not having pockets is killer). And I like the sleeves, though sleeves definitely limit variation options.

But can I pull it off in the office?

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

The American Sailor

I miss you, dear blog. I apologize for the time I've been away, but I've been busy and tired.  Perhaps a wee short story will cheer you up and make up for our lost time together?

The American Sailor
If Ma and Da only knew... Maisie thought to herself as she brushed a thin layer of brown mascara over her translucent eyelashes. She was going to meet him again tonight, and if she could have her way, every night after.  He was so different from all the other boys she knew; he was a real man, a confident, handsome, exciting man. He had made her feel exciting too, and the exhilarating flush she felt when he had held her hand earlier that day made her feel tingly and guilty and alive all at once in a way she could only describe as delicious.

Ma would never approve, of course.  Girls who went out with the American sailors were slappers.  Da certainly wouldn’t approve; he’d have that man’s guts for garters if he knew who she was meeting, and where! Maisie knew a few of the girls who went out with sailors and had always looked down her nose at them.  But Robert was different. She was different.  She wasn’t looking for the “good time” those other girls were, and she felt in her heart that neither was Robert.  They were both looking for the same thing: true love.  There was no question about it for Maisie; this was it, the real thing, he was The One.

She knew meeting with him without Ma and Da finding out would be tricky.  They were devout Catholics, Da especially.  Maisie wasn’t allowed to go to the pictures or the dancing.  It was fate that she even met Robert at all.  They’d met at the newsagents while she was getting the paper for Ma and smokes for Da.  The rain had washed the snow off the pavement into brown and grey clumps and then refrozen. Da’s arthritis had been playing up too much for him to take the treacherous walk himself, but Maisie enjoyed getting out for a solitary walk so was quick to accept the chore. 

While she was paying Mr Watt for her sundries, the sailor in his starched blue uniform was reading the front page headlines of the Telegraph.  Suddenly, he had laughed out loud a big hearty guffaw.  Startled, she looked up at him, and he met her gaze.  The moment electrified her.  They stared into one another’s eyes for a few seconds, their souls becoming acquainted.  Still laughing, still holding her gaze, he pointed at the paper to the word “ironmongery” and laughed some more.  “Iron-mongery.  Sounds like somethin’ outta Shakespeare, don’t it, miss?”  Maisie didn’t get the joke, she just blushed and looked away.  Her pink cheeks and ginger hair caught his attention, and he teasingly remarked, “You’re as pretty as a peony, when you blush like that.  I’m Robert.  What’s your name, Red?”

Maisie could have died under the disapproving scrutiny of Mr Watt, glaring at her over his bifocals while handing over her change.  She felt suddenly very hot under her thick white coat despite the icy gusts blowing over the Clyde.  She whispered, “I’m Margaret” and quickly hurried out the door.  Robert chased after her, tossing the paper back onto the counter. 

“Wait! Can I walk you home?  These sidewalks are too slippery for a little thing like you to be walking around on by yourself.”

Maisie only lived around the corner, but her father would have been scandalized to see her carrying on with one of the Americans like that, and in broad daylight too.  So Maisie, peering over her shoulder to check Mr Watt couldn’t see, turned down a different street and allowed this handsome stranger to walk with her.

Robert was carefree, chivalrous, and charming.  He kept calling her “Red” even after she insisted on being called Margaret – or at least Maisie.  Each time he responded with, “Whatever you wish, Red,” which made her blush all over again. “I like to make you blush,” he chided. “You’re as pretty as a peony when you blush like that.” The rain was coming on again and the spits of ice brought a deeper rose to her cheeks and a sting to her eyes, shining the green irises like an emerald.

Maisie allowed him to walk her three blocks up the street and then one block down another before confessing, “I’d better go the rest of the way myself.  Da doesn’t approve of me talking to the boys.”   

“Then would he approve of you talking to a man?” That’s when he took her hand.  The sensation of his warm, rough palm lightly clasping her cold tiny white fingers was intoxicating and poured all over her body like a warm shower.  She of course blushed again, but this time with rapture. 

“I could meet you tonight.  At the chapel.  For mass.  I know it’s not anything, maybe it’s not what you do but --”

“I’ll be there.  What time?  Where?”

“Seven thirty. Saint Mary’s, over there.  I always sit in the second-last row up the back.”

It felt like sinning - gloriously, thrillingly sinning - to be getting dolled up for a date at the mass. Ma and Da would never think anything of it, Maisie attending an extra mass on a Saturday; they’d in fact be proud as peacocks of her piety.  She would just have to be subtle, lest any of the neighbours should notice and talk. It was blasphemous really, using God to meet a boy – a man, rather – but strangely she did not feel guilt.  Or at least not enough guilt to repent of.  If anything, the glimmer of guilt she felt only added to the overall excitement.  At any rate, she told herself, it was to a righteous end; she would one day be Robert’s wife, there was no question about it.

She tucked her blusher back into her handbag.  With her comb, she brushed out her red curls and pinned back the sides.   Her unruly red hair was a constant affliction to her, but Robert had spoken of it as if it were beautiful – “pretty as a peony”, she repeated to herself over and over.  Years of being called “Ginger” had resulted in detestation of her looks, but in one afternoon, Robert had reversed all of that.  In the reflection she didn’t see a Ginger anymore, but a Peony.  Her cheeks pinked up again, and set her body on fire.  She put down the comb.  Turning to inspect her figure side-on in her modest chapel dress, she imagined him watching for her to arrive, waiting in the second-last row, and in the mirror, Maisie crossed herself prettily and practiced an alluring genuflection.

Teatime was unendurable.  Maisie’s father was in a poor spirit because of his pains and the weather and kept pounding his fist on the table and damning everything. 

“Damn spoon!”
“Damn Yanks!”
“Damn bloody Tories!”
“Damn broken chair!”
“Damn bloody sodding Proddies!”

Maisie’s mother, as was her way, spent the meal trying to placate her husband with more totties, more tea, more agreeing nods and tuts, more hand pats.  Maisie couldn’t eat, and with her da’s crabbit mood, she worried she’d be asked to stay home and help cheer him instead.  She did her best to swallow a few mouthfuls so as not to raise any suspicions, and nodded and tutted in with her mother to keep everyone at relative peace. Finally, the church bells rang for seven o’clock, and Maisie was excused to get ready for mass.  She buckled her freshly polished shoes – praying no one would question why now on such a dreich day she had attended to such a detested chore – and pulled her white coat over her shoulders.  She surreptitiously surveyed her image in the dark living room window and let herself out the front door.

Snow was falling again, this time with heavy, plucky snowflakes, that rested on her coat and hair and eyelashes without melting.  The night was magical.  Romantic.  She felt like one of the lassies in a Jane Austen book she’d read in school. The chapel windows in the distance glowed in the dark night through the rapidly falling snowflakes like a choir of angels calling her home.  Inside, her sailor would be waiting for her.  She quickened her pace, growing unable to bear the separation a second longer.

At the chapel, Maisie shut her eyes, breathed in deeply, and pushed open the door.  Trying to appear nonchalant, she coolly surveyed the chapel for her sailor, starting first in her second-last row up the back.  She couldn’t see him.  She dipped her finger in the holy water, crossed herself absently, and slid into the pew.  She was early after all, she reminded herself. 

She had to control every muscle in her body not to turn around every few seconds to check the door.  She allowed herself a cursory glance once every two minutes, which was torture.  She removed her coat, feeling the beads of sweat prickling on her arms.  Her face flushed.   She peered over her shoulder at the door.  She waited.  Her stomach gurgled; she realized she was starving.

The organ began to play.

Her feet were heavy and her legs were thick as she trudged through the glistening snow back home. She tried to remember something about the mass to relay to her parents, but she had missed the entire service, checking the door every minute until the very end.  Her stomach was empty and cramping.  The cold wind burned.  She pulled her coat around her throat.  The snow had stopped falling; the night was vacuous, mute.  Involuntarily she continued to search the empty streets for Robert’s blue uniform.  Maybe he thought she’d said eight thirty.  Maybe he went to the wrong chapel. Maybe he’d been in an accident.  Maybe he’ll turn around the next corner in a frenzy and run to her, apologizing for the mistake and beg for her forgiveness, explaining about the terrible circumstances that had kept him away from her.  But all hope eluded her once she reached the front steps of her house.  One last time, she searched up and down the street for him, then let herself in the door, resisting the tears until she was safely in her bedroom, where she cried tormented until overtaken by sleep.

She didn’t even know his last name.  He didn’t know where she really lived. Over the next two days, Maisie searched for any excuse to get out and walk up and down the streets and around the newsagents.  Robert was nowhere.  Any time she spotted a sailor in blue uniform, she lost her breath for an instant.  How can this be? How could he do this to me?  Surely something has happened to him. Her imagination led her to all sorts of possible conclusions. He’d been shipped out.  He’d gotten the time or place wrong and thought she had stood him up.  But the worst conclusion, the worst one of all, the one she knew in her deepest, most anguished depths was the truth but could not, would not, acknowledge, was that he did not love her.  She had been a plaything to him, just like all the girls were to the Americans; he was just like the rest of them.

On the third day, Tuesday, it rained.  Maisie felt the rain was an embodiment of her own inner turmoil and greeted it miserably.  She did not leave the house once that day but brooded at the window watching the rain splash in puddles forming along the pavement.  The snow turned to blocks of grimy brown slush along the streets.  Wretchedly, she blamed herself for her misfortune.  

Blaspheme against God’s Holy Church, and this is what you get. The beautiful pure snow tarnished with sin becomes a heap of filth, she thought poetically, and wrote the words in her private diary. Never again, she vowed, and in a derisive show of righteous passion, she drew an elaborate cross and nailed the name ‘ROBERT’ to it.

Several rainy weeks passed. Though her heart still ached, the painful sting of Robert’s slight had eased.  Maisie felt older, a new possessor of sad wisdom, and with renewed zeal, intensified her focus on heavenly matters.  Robert was never far from her thoughts, but she accepted this thorn in her flesh as rightfully deserved punishment. She concentrated diligently on her lessons at school, helped her mother complete household chores without complaint, responded to her father’s cantankerous demands with a patient smile and attended confession twice weekly. Her soul was healing.

One morning, she awoke to bright sunshine peeking past her window curtains.  She grinned. The sun is a metaphor.  The clouds of my heart have parted and the beams of heavenly light shine down, she wrote in her diary, of which pages and pages had been filled since that day at the window. Feeling light and airy, she trotted down the stairs to make tea and toast for breakfast and have a wee blether with her ma and da.

“I’m oot ae bloody smokes,” her Da grumbled, as she poured his tea for him. “Maisie, hen, oot ye go and get your ole da some smokes, will ye, hen?” Feeling obliging and good-natured, Maisie consented.  It would be the first time in weeks she would visit the newsagents again, but this morning she had turned over a new leaf and nothing could ruin her newfound cheerfulness, not even a visit to the cursed newsagents.  She slipped on her coat, and traipsed out the front door, down the steps and along the pavement to the shop, almost inclined to join the spring birds with a merry whistle.

Mr Watt looked over his glasses at her as she pushed the cigarette pack across the counter to him.

“That sailor been asking fae ya,” he mumbled, unhappily. 

Maisie froze.  Fury seized her, followed by uncontrollable delight churned with guilt.  He’d been here?  All this time, he’d been here, asking for her?  She realized an unstoppable grin was spreading across her face, betraying her to Mr Watt, but then, was that a faint flicker of a smile on his face too?  She thanked him for the cigarettes (“Doan’t thank me!”) and rushed out the door.

See him again, she must.  But how?  When?  Mr Watt knows.  Maybe he...?  She was lost in the many calamitous questions spinning around in her mind.  Distracted by these tumultuous thoughts, Maisie never saw the steel pole until she had strode right into it, head first.

“Hey, Red, take it easy on that thing, what’d it ever do to you?”

Maisie looked straight up in surprise and right into Robert’s teasing hazel eyes.  She rubbed her forehead.

“Been wondering where you been.  I’ve been hoping I’d see you again.”

Maisie was speechless.  No, furious.  No, indignant.  All she’d wanted for weeks was a moment like this to occur – perhaps without the pole incident – and now here it was, and all she wanted to do was run.  So she did.

“Maisie, wait!” Robert shouted after her.  He sprang into a jog and caught up with her.  “Maisie, Maisie, stop, wait up!”

Maisie spun around, nearly knocking Robert off balance.  “You! You! How dare you!” she cried, aware she was about to make a scene but powerless to control herself.

“Maisie, I--”

“You never came!  You said you’d be there, and you never came! And you never came back here, tae the shop, you just never – do you think I’m – what do you think I’m – I was just going tae – I – I have feelings!” she screamed, tears running over her nose and lips, hot and infuriated and humiliated, conscious she was attracting stares.

“Maisie, are you talking about not meeting you at mass? Maisie, you couldn’t possibly think we could get back over the water in all that weather that day, did you?  The weather was awful that week.  Just as soon as it cleared, I came back, but you were nowhere to be found.”

They had gathered a crowd.  Wee old biddies whispered curtly about ole John’s wee lassie carrying on with the sailor, shaking their heads and wagging their bony fingers at each other. Maisie could not have been more shamed or terrified, not to mention confused, than she felt standing there in the street, the centre of unwanted gossip, before a man she both hated and loved fiercely all in one great miserable moment.  What would her father say when he hears about this?

Robert turned to the crowds of busybodies and said in his booming, American drawl, “Y’all got nothing better to do than watch a couple of young sweethearts have a lovers’ quarrel?”  The old women gasped at his Yankee impropriety and sauntered away, whispering to one another reproachfully.

Maisie’s forehead was throbbing.  She touched the painful bump that was growing larger and avoided Robert’s gaze.  She felt foolish yet moved that Robert considered her his sweetheart. And it really had been snowy, maybe it wasn’t possible to get the ferry back over from Holy Loch like he said.  She peered at him from under her brow.

“Can I please hold your hand again, Red?”

Softened, she shyly held out her hand, and he took it into his and wrapped it around his arm. “Let me walk you all the way home this time, and let me meet your pop.  Those old fishwives are probably there already anyway, telling him all about me,” he said, smiling.    Maisie nodded uneasily, but she knew he was right.  Besides, she’d have to introduce him to her parents some day if she was ever to become Mrs...

“What’s your last name?” she asked suddenly.

“Martin.  Lieutenant Junior Robert Daniel Martin.”

Sunday, September 06, 2015

Challenge Accepted! July and August Books

The end of the year is coming around fast, and I haven't gotten as far along in the reading challenge as I hoped I'd be by this time. But I'm doing not bad either.

July and August were such busy months with me starting my new job and us moving, so I never got a chance to review my July books. Even now, I'm not sure how much of a proper review I'll be able to write, given the distance in time since I read some of them and the lack of time I have right now to write with.  We are trying to get as many boxes unpacked and put away as possible with this long Labor Day weekend. Three days off work means three days of getting the house closer to the way we want it.

So anyway, let's get on with it, shall we?

July Books

The Rosie Effect by Graeme Simsion (A funny book)
Last year in our book club we read The Rosie Project, and I loved it. It was just a fun, quirky story with delightful characters. The Rosie Effect is the sequel which came out earlier this year (or late last year, can't remember).  It's about Don Tillman, a genetics professor with undiagnosed Aspergers, who falls in love with a very unpredictable and fiercely independent woman called Rosie. This book picks up where the last left off, and it did not disappoint.  It was filled with much of the same awkward, cringeworthy situations, good-natured humor, tear-jerk moments, and heart-warming sentiment that I loved about the first book. I hope there will be a Rosie Book 3. I will definitely read it!

Dreams from My Father by Barack Obama (A non-fiction book)
I loved this book. Loved it.

I read about half of The Audacity of Hope and expected this to be much of the same, but it was entirely different. Dreams from My Father is an autobiography, plain and simple. Well, not plain and simple; it's so much more than an autobiography. It's an important commentary about race in America.

Obama starts his book with his youngest memories of childhood, a black boy living with his white mother and white grandparents who grew up listening to stories about his Kenyan father whom he didn't actually meet until he was ten years old.  He takes us through his formative years - a couple of elementary school years in Indonesia, middle and high school in Hawaii, college in California, working in New York and Chicago, and finally his first visit to Kenya.  All through the book he illustrates his struggle as a black man from a white family trying to figure out just who he is and what he was meant for.

While I did get bogged down a bit during the long section about his job as an organizer in Chicago, the whole book felt important, like something that no one is talking about but should. Or perhaps something people are talking about but in the wrong way. I had to take the book very slowly because every chapter left me with something bigger than myself to dwell on and work through. So much that I'm going to have to go back and read it again sometime soon. I don't feel like I can even adequately review the book, because my experience as a white person is so limited and so privileged. All I can say is, whether you like Obama the politician or not is not the issue with this book. This book is entirely unpolitical. It's about a man and his struggle to come into his own and to find himself in a world he never seemed to fit into. It's well-written, thoughtful and careful, and emotionally stirring.

(A side note: What I would've given to see the look on his Kenyan family's faces when their own Barry was announced President of the United States! I imagine them saying, "He's an Obama! He was made for big things!")

August Books

Incognegro by Mat Johnson (A graphic novel)
Like so many books these days, I learned of this one via NPR.  Mat Johnson was being interviewed by Terry Gross on his latest novel, Loving Day, and they referred often to his first graphic novel, Incognegro. I decided that would be my graphic novel.

Only problem was, it's out of print, and all the copies I could find online were running $50-60 bucks. Erm...

But I kept looking and finally found it for $20, and I snatched it right up.

It's the story of a black journalist with such fair skin that he goes undercover as a white man to investigate lynchings. He is tired of the job though and decides it's time to move on - until his boss gives him one last assignment...

I had no idea that a graphic novel could pack such a punch.  The artwork was horrifying, and the story was agonizing. I actually felt sick to my stomach at parts, the reality of recent history making itself plain to me in the gory images of lynchings and the unthinkable things whites did to blacks - and not all that long ago.

This isn't an easy book to get a hold of, but it was really incredible. It's also opened up the world of graphic novels to me. While I doubt I'll be delving straight into Batman any time soon, I have started reading my second graphic novel - to be discussed in September's books!

God Help the Child by Toni Morrison (A book from an author you love that you haven't read yet)
After reading Disgruntled and Dreams from My Father, I started looking for more books written by black authors about black lives.  Toni Morrison's Beloved is one of my favorite books, so when I heard her interviewed (on NPR of course) about her new novel (she's in her eighties!), I got very excited.  Morrison usually writes about the past, and I believe this is her first novel set in the present. It was a little bizarre; it had all the most modern cultural references, but she still wove in the mystical as if it were the practical in the way she so seamlessly does.  

This book is about Bride, a very dark girl ("Sudanese black") born to a fair skinned mother, Sweetness, who couldn't properly love her for her skin tone.  Bride grows up to be a very successful young woman, but the scars of her loveless childhood never really heal. As she tries to assert herself and leave the past behind, she only becomes more and more the child she is fighting to no longer be.  In the meantime, Sweetness watches her daughter keep her cold distance, and it slowly, vaguely occurs to her that "what you do to children matters. And they might never forget."

Losing My Religion: How I Lost My Faith Reporting on Religion in America and Found Unexpected Peace by William Lobdell (A book with antonyms in the title)
I actually found this book by Googling "books with antonyms in the title". Having just written and published my own deconversion story, I figured it was now safe to read others. I'd kept very clear of any books like this while writing my own for fear of being influenced by them.  I wanted my book to be pure and honest and entirely my own; I didn't want their words and emotions to seep into mine.

It's a good thing I made that my plan, because I found myself nodding and murmuring "uh-huh" and "mm-hmm" the whole way through.  The specifics were different - he became a believer as an adult and was drawn to the Catholic church, and his faith fell apart after years of reporting on corruption in organized religion - but our hearts seemed to have been in the same place and dealing with the same things.

I wrote my book to make others in the same situation feel less alone. Reading this book returned the favor.  I felt after reading it that I was comforted this time around. It was a pretty good feeling.

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs (A mystery or thriller)
Mysteries and thrillers are not my genre. I don't like being scared, and I don't like suspense.  So Miss Peregrine's is simply going to have to be the book that checks this category off. It's mystery enough to count, I think.

Jacob travels to the island of his beloved grandfather's childhood to unlock the secrets of his grandfather Abe's dying words to him. He has long stopped believing his grandfather's wild and impossible stories, but what he finds on the island changes his life forever.

The book combines authentic vintage photography with a plot line that is interesting, mysterious, and engaging. The unique photography adds enormously to the story line. I picked this up on a whim in the book store, and I really liked it. It's got a few choice words, so it won't be eight-year-old Fifi-worthy just yet, but in a few years, I hope she pulls it from the shelf and loves it. It's a book I look forward to sharing with my wee readers.

To see what else I have read this year:

Monday, August 31, 2015

Too Stressed To Think of a Title

I am stressed.

Stressed, like, beyond anything I've ever known.

I underestimated my worth as a stay-at-home-mum, but now that I'm a working mum, I realize just how much I did when I was at home.

I stayed home with the kids when they were sick.
I took them to doctor's appointments and dentist visits.
I took the cats to the vet.
I paid the bills (on time).
I took letters to the post office.
I went to the bank.
I made calls to sort out doctor's appointments, bill queries, banking issues.
I took the cars in for oil changes and maintenance.
I cleaned out the cars.
I cleaned the house.
I kept on top of the laundry.
I kept on top of the dishes. 
I made menus and grocery lists and did the grocery shopping.
I prepared breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I even got in my "me time" by going to the gym and keeping fit and healthy.


All those things still need to get done, but Scott and I both need to leave the house by 7:30 to get the kids to school and daycare and get ourselves to work by 8. We both push ourselves mentally to the limit daily from 8-4:30, only occasionally taking an hour for a lunch break, before heading back home to collect the kids. By the time we get home, it's too late to run errands or make phone calls. By the time we've done homework with the kids, eaten a late dinner, and put all the little people to bed, it's time to tackle all the chores.  

Throw into the mix moving into a new house, where the errands, bills, and housework are thrown into overdrive. We are surrounded by boxes we have no time to empty and loose ends we have no time to tie. We had the old house to clean too, and all the old utilities to reconcile. 

This weekend we drove nine hours to Texas to visit family which was AMAZING (minus the driving part) and fun. But upon arriving back home at 1:45am and seeing the mess my house is in and knowing I'd have to be getting up for work in just five hours was devastating. I thought I'd also get the grocery shopping for the week finally done, after living the last two weeks on takeout, but that never happened either.  

Next week, my in-laws from Scotland are coming. The guest room is still full of boxes and no bed.

I never realized before how tough working mamas have it.  I worked full time from home for several years, which was extremely taxing, but I had no idea how hard it would be to work outside the home and not be able to get daytime tasks accomplished. Some people joke that going to work is a break from the kids, but my job is just one loooong day of a shitload too much to do. I go home from working nonstop all day to thinking of all the things that didn't get done at work and at home that need to get done. I wake up in the middle of the night trying to work out problems that won't let me get back to sleep. I remember half way through my work day that I never paid the car payment but I can't do anything about it because I'm at work. All my perfectly organized systems and daily itineraries are shot. My days run into each other bringing to close week after week without my realizing where the time has gone.

I am stressed.

I tell myself that in time it'll all come together. I'll make a new, albeit busier, routine and fall comfortably into it. But at the moment, I can't see that anywhere. All I see is a rocky landscape stretching to the horizon, and me climbing and tripping over the boulders and loose stones trying to go forward under the glare of a blistering, blinding midday sun. And all that's in the horizon for me is more rocks.

Usually, when I catch myself in danger of depression, I see myself slipping down a steep slope. I see it as a fast, slick descent. Right now, I see it as something I'm pushing myself into, unable to go any other direction other than full force straight into it, because that's the direction and inertia of my life.

How do you working mothers do this? How do you balance work and home? How do you spend all day expending your mental powers on the job and then come home to children who need attention and affection and patient help with homework, without totally coming unglued? 

I want to be that mother who comes home from work and pulls all the children onto her lap like a box full of kittens and snuggles them all with sitcom-worthy good nature before setting the whole family down for a healthy meal of meat and two vegetables. Who then brushes all the teeth and reads all the bedtime stories and tucks in all the blankets and coos as she turns out all the lights. Who throws in a load of laundry, washes all the dinner dishes, and then cuddles up with her husband on the couch with a glass of wine and a happy smile on her face. Who then wriggles into her perfectly made bed (done every morning, of course) with a book to read before slipping easily off to her eight hours of healthful sleep, fresh and ready for the 6 o'clock alarm the next morning.

Instead, I'm the mother who curses at the traffic on her way home from work, who picks up the kids from daycare and screams at the them because they have immediately begun to fight as soon as they get into the car over car seats and seat belts. Who gets home to a messy house and feels a massive headache come on as she tries to figure out what to throw together for dinner in a pinch because she hasn't had time to go to the grocery store in two weeks. Who feels guilty over the lack of vegetables on the plates and the overabundance of starches.  Who then loses her temper when the kids refuse to get dressed for bed because they have suddenly remembered that they have homework they need help with. Who snaps at her husband who also has been working all day over the tiniest things because her patience is gone and the house is a mess and even though they are both trying to carry their weight, the weight is too heavy. And when the kids are finally in their beds, after yet another night with no bedtime story, she looks at all the work that needs to be done and just cries as she moves from room to room doing small tasks that lead to other small tasks that make her feel she has done nothing at all when she looks back over the whole thing. Who collapses into bed without washing her face because she's too exhausted to fucking care that her face is going to break out and eyeliner is going to smudge all over her pillowcase.

That's the beautiful image I see of this girl right here. Hi, I'm Lori, the evil, stressed out arch nemesis of Supermom. Nice to meet you.